The Actress Outside

Wedding Of The Year = Time Off For Good Behaviour!

2012-01-23T23:20:00.000Z

So Man and I tied the knot last year and I've been ever so busy being ever so busy...

It was a beautiful day full of the usual hilarity, a few tears and drunken guests falling over - it was the best day ever!

So what about my acting....well the truth is I haven't done any, not an audition, not a casting, nothing, nada, zip.

Oops.

However it's a new year and I've been thinking of starting it all up again, you know, the rejection, the humiliation, the cost - plus the brilliantly comical blog.

So it's time to raid my new hubby's coffers for some headshots, I'll keep you posted peeps!

Dilemma Of A Skint Actress!

2011-04-21T00:42:00.000+01:00

So I did an audition in Manchester today, pretending to drive a car whilst singing along to a famous Beach Boys song. At first I tried hard to avoid miming driving - there's nothing worse is there? I thought better to do nothing than mime badly - the advert will be driving a real car so why embarrass myself? All went well but apparently I didn't look like I was driving, according to the flu ridden, yet lovely casting director. I did it again WITH the hilarious driving actions then quickly buggered off for a cool, crisp glass of Chablis in the sun with Man.

All in all pretty unremarkable...

...until tonight when I got a message on my phone asking someone called Nina to go to London tomorrow for a recall? So my dilemma is, do I:

a) Pretend to be someone called Nina and hot foot it down to London tomorrow?
b) Call the casting flunky and inform her of her rather insulting mistake?
C) Call The Cheerful Agent early and get her to sort it out?

On another note I find this a further example of a casting agency calling late, after 9pm for a casting involving a 300 mile round trip the following morning, with the wrong information and not offering a recall fee. So I would be massively out of pocket even if I was available to go!

Option C I think! It's a job for The Cheerful Agent...hope she's cheerful at 7 o'clock in the morning????

I'm An Information Giving Northerner In Soapland...

2010-12-23T09:57:00.000Z

...and the sooner I accept that the better! No I'm not the actress with the dramatic speech castigating her soap husband! No I'm not the actress tearing anothers hair out over some wimpy bloke with money.

I really must learn that I'm the northern actress who gives information, you know like:

"the post office is on the right down there love,"

"the doctor will see you now Mrs. Sharples,"

"Oi, there's no point banging on that front door - they've gone away."

Case in point I went to an audition last week, braving the snow and ice to get there over the countrys' highest motorway to read for the part of a PC in an up and coming major storyline. This storyline is very shocking and needs to be handled truthfully and sensitively. It's a major scene I'm auditioning for, so I pick up my script expecting some thought to have gone into the lines that I am to say...

But no I'm the information giving northerner AGAIN. I obviously cannot quote these lines here yet for fear of recriminations but I assure you my fellow outsiders that sometimes information giving sucks and this actress is longing to be the one that shows emotion to another actresses I.G!!!!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2010-12-23T09:37:00.000Z

A very merry yuletide to you all!

Yes, it's true I've been away for quite a while, unfortunately not working but having some family problems that have needed my full attention. ButI'm going to start my blog again so Merry Christmas to you all!

AND SPEAKING OF CORRIE..

2010-08-04T05:23:00.000+01:00

...the ashes of the Corrie cat (in the credits), Frisky, sold recently for £844.

Proving once again how people will buy any old crap if it's been on a soap. I mean seriously, what do you do with them once you've got them home?

And let's take a moment to think about Frisky's owners who sold the ashes... don't you think that's a little exploitative? When my cats die I wouldn't part with the ashes as they are a much beloved pet.

What's next? One of Jack Duckworth's pigeon breasts? Or a genuine slug from one of Roy's Rolls?

Get a grip people!

Corrie Cull

2010-08-03T13:09:00.001+01:00

There's to be a cull on Corrie....

....poor actors! Proving once again that when new producers arrive no character is safe!

I guess it must be very hard for the actor or actress with their feet firmly under the Formica Coronation Street table? With their mortgage for large house in Cheshire / posh car / kids in private schools / lifestyle of being able to go into any shop and buy what they want without thinking about it / admittance to any posh club or restaurant or bar of their choosing / magazine spreads. To have all of this ripped away from them just by a change of management at the top of the food chain....

Almost makes one feel sorry for them....
WAIT, I said almost!

THE CURTAIN COMES DOWN...

2010-08-03T13:00:00.000+01:00

The curtain has come down on the challenging piece of theatre I've been doing for the past 6 weeks. I've enjoyed it immensely and we've had some excellent reviews too. Being up on stage again after such a long absence was an exhilarating experience and one that I'm keen to repeat as soon as possible.

I'm now looking for a more mainstream piece of theatre to sink my teeth into, to dream of as I polish up my latest audition piece for my new acting class tomorrow. I feel very confident about what the future holds, especially as I know that I really want to do this again! No more hiding in my little village waiting for the phone to ring and for it to be the smiling agent! No this actress outside London is going to get her butt into gear and get some work sorted out. I now know again that I have a talent, I just need to find a way to share it with the world!

Watch this space, or even this blog!

BIG DAY ON WEDS...

2010-07-19T21:12:00.001+01:00

I've got an audition for a big west-end/no.1 tour musical on Weds. I've not sung in about a year or so, got tomorrow to learn a song and a piece. Keep your fingers crossed for me, I'm very excited!

They'd be lucky to get me in their show, just got to keep reminding myself until I believe it too!!!!!

The Play Is Now Open!

2010-07-18T12:14:00.000+01:00

So the play I'm doing is now up and running and I've got a few days off to recover before the next bit of touring! Naturally as this is an anonymous blog I can't tell you when or when but rest assured it's a quality piece.

It's been a great experience so far, bloody hard work but I've met some lovely people. Nobody is too luvvie and, at the moment, any niggles within the group of actors is being handled very diplomatically. I'm pleased because when I signed up to do this play I was dreading the possibility of working with some awful people! I'm really enjoying being back on the stage and doing character work. So much of the jobs I've done have no real development of character, in TV there is never any time to explore or even discuss how to play it. Film does allow more time but hasn't given me the opportunity to shine yet!

However theatre is the place to develop these skills and I'm realising that I've left it far too long. Let's hope that some caster or director will see me in this and recognise my talent and give me another opportunity because I'm loving this experience and I want to do it again soon!

Where is the Talent?

2010-07-15T07:51:00.000+01:00

Katie Price and Alex Reid got "blessed" this recently to maximum publicity and an ITV deal worth so much money (plus a free 5 star Thai honeymoon with three camera crews on board - how romantic?)

It got me thinking, just what exactly is the talent of Mrs. Reid? What does she do? She has an empire of business assets, clearly some good advisors, but what exactly is this talent that she sells herself on?

Ask any young girl and she'll name Katie Price as a role model but why? Why was she awarded Mum of the year? Mum of the year to a woman who constantly parades her children in front of the media? REALLY?

So she shoots a good sex photo, that is a talent (but the press will take photos of any semi naked, big breasted woman) and she hasn't done that for a long while. She publishes adult and children's books in her name that she doesn't write! 23 books so far: 17 for children, 3 novels and 3 volumes of her autobiography. YES 3 VOLUMES! She has an equestrian clothing range (in pink), a crying baby doll (probably in pink), 2 perfumes, a new single out (give it up Katie you can't sing!) and, according to one source, has recently signed a multimillion pound deal to front shows on Virgin media.

It seems to me that Mrs Reid has made a living purely on her celebrity. The word celebrity means to be widely honoured and acclaimed, however it seems to me a sad time we live in when we apply this to someone with no talent to talk of except for manipulation? Surely we should celebrate people that save lives, climb mountains, sail single handedly around our globe, sing beautifully, paint inspiration, act in something that changes the world? Surely those kind of people should be our role models? Shouldn't they?

There was a fly in my room last night that repeatedly woke me up with it's constant need for attention. I'm thinking of calling it Katie Price!

The Producers Of No Imagination Award Goes To...

2010-07-02T05:59:00.004+01:00

...Calendar Girls!

I'm in the car with Joan going to rehearsals having our usual morning moan about the industry when she tells me that WEATHERGIRL Sian Lloyd is to play Celia in Calendar Girls.... Good job she was driving as I think I would've crashed the car! How does a weathergirl get cast as an actress? What is wrong with these producers? Can they not find a proper actress or do they just don't care anymore? Anyone will do?

As you can tell I'm a little riled up! I found the interview online (see link) where the undeniably lovely Sian was quoted as saying: "I'm sure I will be nervous, but sometimes in life you have to push yourself." Which is all very well Sian but if I were you I'd be more worried about how you are going to make it through a 2 hour play than taking your kit off. Stripping is easy, untrained acting is not. Now i'm not denying that presenting the weather is a difficult task, but it's hardly preparation for a full length play is it?

The original west end cast for Calendar Girls was a great cast full of classy British actresses. So Mr Producer just how do you get from Patricia Hodge to Charlie Dimmock? As it seems that England has run out of decent actresses (it must have done if we're converting presenters and general "names") I thought I'd add some suggestions to the producers of my own (I expect some have already been approached), Outsiders feel free to add your own:

Charlie Dimmock (already booked?...moving on)
Tessa Sanderson
Natasha Kaplinski
Jennie Bond
Edwina Curry
Gabby Logan
Paula Radcliffe
Christine Hamilton

Mind you the online cast list for Calendar Girls already reads like a guest list for the daytime, utter tripe that is Loose Women - so don't get me started on that! I mean really, Jennifer Ellison????? In the W.I.?????? REALLY??????? Give me a break!

Definition Of The Lesser Spotted Luvvie.

2010-06-30T10:14:00.000+01:00

...I'd rather rip my own arm off and hit myself with the soggy end than spend any time at all with that peculiar breed of act-tor called the Luvvie.

Luvvies are the type of actors that talk loudly, even at funerals, in a booming voice and wait for people's heads to turn. They constantly prattle on about roles that they've done and clang continuously about famous celebrities that they've worked with, calling them by shortened, irritating pet names like "Larry"or "Ed" or "Tula." They have an annoying habit of, when finding out they are talking to another actor/tress, immediately asking: "So what are you working on now then?" in a condescending manner and then they intensely pretend to listen to your answer. They have a propensity to stand as if posing for a Spotlight portrait. They use words like fabulous, super, fellow thespians and darling (with a drawn out rrrrrr). The males, more often than not have facial hair, have played Prospero or Lear (without any great depth of character probing) and like to drink Marks & Spencer Port "for the voice you know!"

The female of the Luvvie is usually adorned with some sort of shawl and floppy hat. She likes to hug people and air kiss them as many as 3 times whilst saying: "So good to see you again, so lovely to be back." This lets you instantly know that you are on her turf, she will smile patronisingly whilst offering to show you round and be your mentor, she means it kindly but also enjoys that level of control. She's a huge fan of the enviroment and herbal tea and will probably try to convert you. She will definitely mention "drinkies" after rehearsals but be aware that she may exclude the ordinary actress, such as myself, in favour of someone of comparable lovvieness. Do not be offended at this, you're much better off, they are easily affected by alcohol and then really revert to Luvvie type!

Do post if you spot one as they can be (wishful thinking) quite rare these days.

CRAZY CASTINGS PART 2

2010-06-30T07:48:00.002+01:00

So once, a long while ago, at a casting far, far away, I was asked to strip to my underwear (which I was aware I would have to do) but then, in a church hall type place, I was asked to simulate/act an orgasm...

Yep! I was pretty shocked too. It was all above board and "arty film" type - serious subject about the sexuality of a woman in a wheelchair, but even so I was a little shocked at being so exposed and put on the spot.

Now let's be completely clear here, I'm not embarrassed by my body (ex showgirl), the older I get the more I feel I really should do some exercise soon but I still love being naked, I find it very liberating. However this was not one of those occasions. When the caster said smilingly: "Right it's that time now....?" and I undressed to my undies faster than a fireman and sat down on the chair.

Then I had to do the orgasm bit... it was fine but very hard to concentrate. The reason being that I had massive sock rings around my ankles and I couldn't help but wonder if they would pick up an the directors little camera! (Yes fellow Outsiders I was being taped "purely for the audition process")

I closed my eyes to block out the sock rings. But then another random thought hit me and I nearly burst out laughing. The venue was a church hall type, the seat was a standard 1970 moulded plastic (and cold, actually, if you must know) and I couldn't help but think that a W.I. lady had sat there before me discussing cakes, knitting and the AGM! Little kiddies had sat on that chair eating jelly and ice cream at Tarquin's 5th birthday bash! Father Christmas had sat in that particular chair to deliver his naughty and nice list to the generations of children that hall had held! And there was me, frankly building quickly towards hysteria, whilst, at the same time, feeling like I needed to take a long shower!

Did I get the job: No.
Would I have taken the job: No!

Nowadays I wouldn't even have taken the audition!

WHAT A LOAD OF RUBBISH!

2010-06-29T16:59:00.002+01:00

So Roger Moore thinks that you now need a regional accent to make it in this industry? Purely as his daughter has been turned down for work because she talks proper unlike what I does! This is absolute rubbish....

R.P. (The posh way of actors talking the Queen's English with no trace of accent) is something that all actors have to learn and should be able to turn on and off like a tap. However a regional accent is entirely different and certainly has never helped or hindered me to get a job. I understand that this will probably be the case with voice over work (Channel 4 loves the Geordie accent above all else), regional accents are important - especially if they are native. On my CV I have a broad selection of accents and yes I've worked.

But my point is this: this industry works on who you know and that's the only way you get jobs. TRUTH! So it seems to me that if she can't get work, even with her Dad being Roger Moore (and his numerous connections and wad of cash) then it's got to be more to do with her acting or knowledge than her lack of regional accent. And if she truly believes that is then case the stop being so lazy and learn some!

Simple don't you think!

(PS: Also Roger's made his career from his posh RP accent so he shouldn't mind if the pendulum is swinging slightly the other way should he?)

Tall Tales Of Distinction Part One

2010-06-28T22:44:00.000+01:00

Speaking of tall birds....

This figurehead must be one of my favourites, a shining example to me of how to play on being tall (and for your information she's actually taller than me (if you believe the height on my CV)! Allison Janney is a huge source of hope for this beanpole amongst the acting industry. She's not only a terrific actress (The West Wing, The Hours, Juno etc) but she's bloody funny in real life as well!

Her quote that made me laugh the most was:

"An agent said to me he didn't know what to do with me, I wouldn't be able to play any parts but lesbians and aliens."

Bet he's kicking himself now huh? As this Emmy award winning actress strides away, laughing all the way to the bank and the Oscars!!!!

So when I finally grow into my face and some caster/director/producer remembers that some people in this world are over 5'6'' and begin to reflect that in their casting I should be quids in...

Lets hope it's sooner rather than later!

I'M SENSING A PATTERN HERE!

2010-06-26T09:47:00.001+01:00

So I'm doing this theatre festival, which is great fun of course. My character is a woman with, shall we say, manly characteristics....

I'm sensing a pattern here, it's not the first time. Now, I'm a tall actress, that's for sure but does that mean I'm forever destined to play women playing men, lesbians or actual men? It's definitely a skill I can do but sometimes I do long for the girly, the cute, the feminine, the sexy. You know the type of part where I get to wear sexy clothes and cross my legs when I sit down!

Maybe I'll grow into it one day!

For those of you who know me I have a confession... I lie on my CV and tell directors that I'm 5'9", I think I'm more like 5'11" but what's a couple of inches between friends. Speaking of which I actually have two friends, Ruth & Steph, who are a very similar height to me so why doesn't this acting business reflect that women are taller nowadays and stop asking me to play men? It's a legitimate question don't you think?

Anyway back to thinking with my penis and sitting with my legs astride!

Just how far away is the damn poverty line?

2010-06-25T16:43:00.001+01:00

Apparently I'm supposed to earn £115.00 a week as a single adult with no children - this would put me directly on the poverty line......

I wish I earnt that much!!!!! I do have my other job, you know the one where I chat to customers and pour pints like all good actors do from time to time but that's minimum wage and not many hours a week. even if you average out my income and factor in my acting work I'm still way below the official poverty line.

How do I do it? How do I survive? Ahhhhh yes... a truly great Man and my lovely Mum. They are the reason that I don't starve and I don't sleep in a cardboard box...that's right. That and the fact that I don't buy anything EVER. Not even a happy meal - (do you really get happy when you eat one? If Ronald McDonald looked at me in that tone of voice I'm pretty sure I'd want to rip his ears off?)

New actors take note: it's tough up north but I think I'd be even further away from the poverty line if I lived in London.

Surely I'll hit that elusive poverty line soon? Maybe if I'm a good girl, I can save up and buy a ladder?

WHISPERING DOES NOT A GREAT ACTOR MAKE!

2010-06-25T09:06:00.000+01:00

So I loved the Twilght books so much that I read the saga four times last year. But these films.....

With the release of Eclipse - the third film (which to be fair I haven't seen and probably won't) reminds me to discuss the dire acting, drippy scripts and generally awful casting!

This story is a great story full of passion and strength and it makes me mad to see these young actors (exception Taylor Lautner) talking breathily in the direction that great acting means dropping your voice and whispering to each other! It's about as passionate as a rice pudding. They seriously have as much talent as the man who chops wood on Britian's Got Talent. Despite the obscene amount of money spent on these films: sets, costume, special effects: they are such a disappointment and I can't believe the numbers of young girls that camped out for 4 days to stand outside the premier of Eclipse in USA. What's that all about?

If you watch the films you'll see what I mean.

That is if you can keep your eyes open long enough!

ERRRRRMMMM....

2010-06-23T20:28:00.001+01:00

Okay so we won, yeah......

Take back all I said, perhaps we can win the next match please Mr. Rooney, Mr. Lampard, Mr Gerrard? Although man of the match was definitely Milner. Anyone else notice the influence of Mr. Beckham in that?????

And May I just add...

2010-06-23T08:03:00.000+01:00

...that I'd much rather be in rehearsals working hard and having fun than watching a bunch of overpaid, under-mannered, wimpy, diving, cheating, desperate, un-inspiring, spitting, bad role-models get knocked out of the World cup.

Just thought I'd mention it...

Not A Thigh Slap In Sight

2010-06-23T07:27:00.001+01:00

So I'm going to be in a play! Yep this TV actress is going to dare to perform live and not in some panto in the wilds of Cumbria...

It's very exciting actually, a physical piece, demanding, exhausting and (although I'm only 2 rehearsals in) I find I'm laughing more than I have for ages.

I'd forgotten what it was like to bond with a company of actors. "One doesn't do that in La Television, darrrling, one is an island!" It's going to be good I can feel it in my water.

The play is a new piece by Ian Moore (hereafter known as The Boss) called The Inconsistent Whisper Of Insanity. As this is an anonymous blog that's more information than I should have told you, I feel slightly sweaty now! What the hell we need bums on seats!

Anyway...my character is a tall, Russian woman. Nice? That sounds glamourous doesn't it? WRONG!

Firstly think Soviet Union not Russia. Are you loosing sight of those beautiful blonde girls that marry English men yet? Now imagine a concrete tower block and lots of potato soup! See those pretty girls are a distance away now aren't they?

My character, let's call her Svetlana, is more your shotputter than your table dancer. She' (in my head) is quite large and slightly obnoxious! Sounds good so far right?

Where did I put those steroids??????

Don't move those hallowed cobbles!

2010-01-11T17:45:00.010Z

NOOOOOOOO! Did I mention NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!

Well I mean't it so there! Think I need to sit down now...

The powers that be at Granada are planning to possibly move the hallowed cobbles of the sacred street to some "state of the art" location in Salford Quays! Yuk! Yes they're threatening to move Coronation Street...

Having trodden those cobbles myself, part of the charm of working on The Street is the fact that it's in Manchester city center, in the midst of Granada Television. It's part of the atmosphere and charm of the show, with it's offices around the set and funny dead ends that have secret doors back to the green room or wardrobe. I really do think that if you move Corrie away from it's current home it will become like all the other soaps and loose the charm that makes it Britian's oldest and most beloved TV soap.

I'm all in favour of change by the way, nobody could accuse me of being stuck in the past and I do recognise the need to keep up to date of modern tech and practises. However, does Corrie work as it is? Yes! Is it entertaining? YES! Does it have a legion of die hard fans across the world? HELL YES! Well there you go - if it's not broke don't fix it please.

Sod the money men - KEEP CORRIE AT GRANADA, GRANADA!

Go For It Christian!

2009-12-16T09:47:00.001Z

I'm pleased as punch for my friend Christian Mckay in the film 'Me and Orson Wells'. This is a man who is an example to us all: bloody hardworking, charming and hugely entertaining, it has been my pleasure to work with the chap and drink with the chap: both of which were great fun!

The papers are tipping him to be nominated for an oscar, who knows I might actually start watching the ceremony again.

Well done to you Christian (as I know it was not an "overnight success" as the papers report - you've slogged it out for a while)!

To Blag, To Lig, To Watch People With Too Much Money...

2009-12-16T07:15:00.014Z

So Man was invited to play at a well known charity's Christmas luncheon, naturally he needs moi to drive him to London and accompany him to the gig, whilst all the time carrying his bag (s)/boxes/cases.

Following a night of great silliness at a central London hotel involving indoor frisbee, new millinery, fab soft shelled crab and laughing more than I have in a long, long time, I ate more bacon than any one person should dare to consume (in an attempt to ward off the impending doom of hangover!) After an hour well spent repairing the damage, it was taxi time (with aforementioned bag/boxes/cases - not easily carried in a dress and heels) and off to the uber-upmarket Grosvenor House Hotel. Having gigged there myself I feel a sense of connection as I wonder through the marble and gold to the sumptuous ballroom with chandeliers you just want to swing from.

It's a hive of activity with lots of eastern european workers laying up tables and looking efficient. No time to dawdle for Man as he hops up on stage to arrange the kit that has been hired for him. It's an odd looking, silver, sparkley dinosaur of a kit with knackered heads and causes Man to momentarily lose his cool with much chunnering. He fixes this slight hiccup by turning the toms over and playing the bottom of the drum - clever bugger! Disaster and blown tempers avoided, I make myself useful by taking lots of pics of the sound check but must admit feeling a little nostalgic and missing the stage myself, but as this WAS only a corporate it's a feeling I shortly overcame!

So the club's "do" begins and we all make our way to the champagne reception. The girls in the band are highly delighted to be airing very smart dresses and big F.M. shoes, they look gorgeous if slightly in need of a sandwich! There's a brass band knocking out some christmas tunes in festive hats and lots of milling about looking at the items available for the silent auction. Only one member of the band indulges in Champagne as it's £25 for 2 small glasses, although I suspect that this is more to impress a certain blonde bombshell that certainly isn't the lady he's married to!

As for me, my ligging skills are working well and, as we go in to sit down, and I find myself with fine linen, red & white wine, 3 courses of food and a free copy of OK magazine! Yep I'd made it into the event, not a Burger King in sight. Result.

The band, singers and dancers are split between 2 tables (those in the midst of a tour canoodling, those not on the other) and as my eyes grow accustomed to the light I am at an advantage point to spot the famous folk. Yep, at this years charity Christmas do there is Vanessa Feltzs and boyfriend: Ben Ofoed, some bloke off Eastenders, the much shorter than I though he would be John Culshaw and newly very rich and personal favourite: Michael Macyntyre. Inbetween courses there is much speaking, reviewing, a choir of cherubic young theatre school pupils (far too musical theatre at such a young age), jazz trios, presentations etc. Man falls asleep but is awoken by the strains of The Soldiers, lovely blokes doing a great job, but absolutely not to my taste so it's definitely time for a fag break.

Then it's time for Man to go and be in the holding room before his set (I fear he'll have a long wait ahead of him). I join another table as mine is now empty and I feel rather conspicuous. Incidentally sitting on my new table is a lovely, keen actress who I discover also did the same Vodafone campaign as me and we must have previously met at the audition( apparently I look very familiar). She's in a play that's opening that evening, she's terribly busy, she's selling Liberty silk scarves at this event. It's mainly London bullshit but I like her enough to hope that she does get in touch. We stop gossiping about Nicole Kidman's botox just in time to watch Michael Macyntyre take to the stage to auction off some amazing prizes.

The funny man has with him a list of the richest people in the room and made it a point to embarrass them and make them buy stuff for ridiculously inflated prices. And they loved him for it, LOVED HIM! Yes the money goes to charity but these people must be very rich to throw such cash around. One bloke paid £1500 just to be given permission to leave the room to catch a train, with prices averaging out at about £2500. I tried not to think of how long I can live on £2500 and sat on my hands so I wouldn't be confused with the wealthy. Don't think the charity were after a rubber cheque and I only had a tenner in my purse!

It seemed to me that there was a definite "look how much money I've got to throw around, recession be damned" kind of attitude and lots of tanned, jewelery rattling and testosterone fuelled wallets down towards the front. Much applause followed each item whilst the charity ladies with the clipboards smiled and practised their "congratulations you won" smile, whilst all the time thinking of their bonuses. One classic moment was when Vanessa Felps paid £200 to hear her own boyfriend sing a line from his own song. In itself, cringey, but what followed made me feel a little queasy: Vanessa, overgroomed and buxom in black sequins ran up to the stage, pushing past diners along the way, with a wad of £20 notes shouting "Darling, I've got to go." She thrust them at Michael Macyntyre, who seemed a little flustered at this rather overtly public display of true love and charity donating. I must say I found the whole thing rather vulgar.

Funny.

But vulgar.

Adverts lead to champagne!

2008-10-27T20:58:00.006Z

Recently I had the good fortune to do an ad with a very charming celebrity. It was also a well written advert - so take back nearly all I've said about think tank advertising executives! The aforementioned charming celebrity was a thoroughly nice bloke and invited myself and man to a show he was doing.

So off we went to the local venue in question where I was pleased to discover 2 tickets to the sold out evening of entertainment. The show was great, we chortled in our seats, made all the more fun because I was a guest of the bloke on stage. Afterwards we headed backstage and met up with said charming celebrity who offered us a beer and a chat! A footballer friend of his also came backstage and we ended up being invited to a party. In for a penny - in for a pound - I looked over at Man and thought "why not?"

So a short time later we ended up in a millionaire's house playing pool and drinking champagne till the early hours of the morn. It was a beautiful place - obligatory pool/gym/sauna (that nobody uses) and a game room complete with light up dance floor and a bar bigger than my local! Sometimes I really love my life... I might have no money, no profile and occasionally no pride but you couldn't organise a night like that if you tried! Happy days chuckle!

No Oscar This Time...

2008-10-27T20:17:00.005Z

So it's been a while since I wrote and now I'm back with more rants and news more of that later!

But first, how was the film? It was great fun to do and fantastic to play a character over a few months, I met lots of lovely people and was well looked after by the company. Unfortunately though it sank without trace after the premier, which leads me to think that it was more for promotion internally than commercial success! And indeed it was. I thought this before I did it but hoped it might lead to something...

...still, like my Murphy's I'm not bitter! I learnt lots and my work has moved on leaps and bounds because of it. Still it made me remember that I LOVE my job!

And So To Work!

2007-04-12T10:31:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow I start my first major role in the aforementioned film, a chance finally to prove my worth, to shine, to play an ongoing character just as I wished last year. Don't you love it when a plan comes together?

Tonight I head off to a hotel somewhere in the UK and meet the team I'm working with. Of course I'm taking Man with me as my script roadie and The Don (recently polished) to travel in style.

I'll keep you posted on progress and the characters involved!

What Would Bill Say?

2007-04-05T15:35:00.000+01:00

As the late, great Bill Hicks advised the clones of advertising "By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising...kill yourself. Thank you. Just planting seeds, planting seeds is all I'm doing. No joke here, really. Seriously, kill yourself, you have no rationalisation for what you do, you are Satan's little helpers. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now." Well it seems to me he had a point.

There are the good ads, the bad ads and the ads so terribly annoying that they make you want to throw your own arm at the TV. And I should know - I think I've appeared in most of them. Obviously I can't name any of the aforementioned great works of advertising- otherwise it says who I am - duh!

However, let us explore the creative forces behind such epics as "mastication for the nation" or "feel like a lift" or "debts getting you down". How does that work? A room full of bright (so called) intelligent people sat around a table, paid an obscene amount of dosh to come up with a brilliant marketing idea. Sounds simple enough doesn't it? So how do they get away with producing what can only be described as "brain farts"? ("...Kill yourself now...")

As for my own contribution, I must admit the thought has crossed my mind when, at silly o'clock in the morning I'm confronted with a thinktank type creative consultant explaining the rehash of a previous idea to me. And again when trying doggedly to prove to the ad company that the TVRs they've paid me for don't match the times it's been on the telly. However, killing myself would not change the system and thou I hate to admit it I have needed the money to feed my family.

I guess the only honest way to reconcile myself is to conveniently forget some (not all) of the companies I've worked for and develop a conscience once I'm at the top! Apologies to all of you that have been annoyed by my dulcet tones selling you stuff you don't need but as you don't know which adverts I've been in, maybe I'll get away with it?...

I think Bill was clever enough to understand.

The Curse Of Daytime TV

2007-04-04T14:52:00.000+01:00

Before filming starts on this latest project I have a few days to sit, enjoy the spring weather and pour over the reams of dialogue to learn. Naturally this takes up a short amount of daytime hours - so what to do for the rest?

Switch on the TV of course - bound to be someone I know on there? After a couple of weeks flicking through the freeview channels I have to say I'm ready to explode with new program suggestions. How about a new cooking show where you actually use your own body parts to create a pretentiously classic dish with a modern twist - such as the recent puke making delight I saw: Duck in Hoi-sin sauce Shepherds Pie? Or how about a couple with too much money sell their over stuffed house in the city and move lock stock and two tasteless barrels to the countryside, whereupon they cut down all the Forrest and drain the lake to create a quadbike track for Tarquin? Not forgetting, of course, the truthful and gritty beautiful people shows that frequent our TV's full of issues to attract us - issues that just happen to feature the scantily clad model type schoolgirls. And don't get me started on the chat shows...

Oh how I love to shout at daytime TV...anyway, back to my script.

Yes I'm back....

2007-04-03T20:03:00.000+01:00

So where have I been? Travelling, building and generally enjoying life far too much - however, I'm back baby and bigger than ever! (actually smaller because I'm thinner than i was - building is far cheaper than the gym!)

So sit back, enjoy the blog whilst I invite you to join me in the crazy world of the jobbing actress.

Film Party

2007-04-02T22:00:00.001+01:00

Good news 2007 - I've managed to score a part in a film. My story begins with the PR launch in London (if you can't beat 'em?)

I naturally glam up in a tasteful way and set forth from Cheshire with Man in our new car "The Don" (Reg The Flying Punto has now been retired to my Bro). Having parked beyond the congestion charge and with blisters on my feet we arrive in time to notice that there were almost more PR people than guests.

I think I did myself credit - spoke to everyone I needed to, didn't drink despite the free bar, networked and generally charmed everyone until I left at 9.30pm when I spotted the tell tale signs of the free bar becoming more important than the film.

However my favourite character amongst so many to choose from was the agent of one of my fellow actors. I am told that she "talked non stop on the phone in the taxi - business is so busy"on the way here as she flops down onto a seat that gives a little too easily and recovers with a hair toss and shiny smile. The attire she wore seemed to match the incredibly loud voice that rose in pitch and volume whenever it felt it wasn't being listened to. I did giggle to myself when she very seriously said "I suppose you recognise my client, everyone does, he used to be on (insert trashy program for yourself) you know." I took great comfort in the fact that she told me that she could see me playing a teacher on (above trashy program) as it sounded like the perfect job to aspire to - should I have a lobotomy any time soon.

My last memory of her was as I was leaving. She was buzzing around the room wearing a name badge that she'd written herself, clutching a half drunk glass of free wine that with every gesture was shared with the clothing of the people politely milling around her. Her arm appeared to be a conveyer belt of one bite burgers and mini cheese tartlets. "I haven't eaten since lunch - too busy" she masticated as her waistband groaned. She waved bye-bye to me like I was to be bridesmaid at her up-coming nuptials ("don't know when but I am definitely getting married this summer" - had she told her boyfriend yet?)

As I walked out the door Man read my mind "Thank god for your Cheerful Agent eh?" Ab-so-bloody-lutely!

Celebrity Gone Crazy

2006-05-25T21:08:00.000+01:00

What is all this bullshit about? Why are the media so insistent on repeatedly telling us of the movements (bowel and otherwise) of so-called celebrities? And I use this term loosely. It seems that you only have to sneeze on some reality crap on TV to be called a Celeb these days - and here's my bag:

I DONT CARE!

I don't care who's lost weight/smoking whilst pregnant/broke up with Brad/took their top off/had a meltdown - I don't. I DONT CARE whether TomKat had painkillers or not whilst giving birth. Surely there are others who don't too? I can't be the only voice? Shouldn't we require to have more to base our adulation on from people we look up to, more than having slept with a footballer or posed naked on a car bonnet or married a squillionaire movie star?

Isn't it disgusting that this is now what we are teaching our children? How about we teach them to aspire to winning a gold medal or sailing single-handedly around the world or composing a piece of music that speaks to a million people? To make their own way in life and stand or fall by the decisions we make along the way.....

....ok, rant over...time to switch off the TV and go and do something less boring instead!

Corporate Boredom.

2006-05-25T09:36:00.000+01:00

So you need the cash? Naturally - jobbing actors usually do. Along comes the Corporate video. Hey-ho....

Booked, directions in hand I set off in Reg TFP having glanced at the script (Autocue included in the package). When I arrived I met an old hat at the studio, who told me that this particular company were difficult to get the money out of. Great news at 7.30am before breakfast. A long day ensued finishing with voice over in a different studio.

However, my point is this: do our significant corporations really believe that this kind of script and approach towards customer services really works? You know the type: smiling presenter, bigging up the company whilst making the unfortunate employee absorb phrases such as: "The customer is the most important person and you must identify with them on an individual basis" (Paraphrased - actually said in 44 pages of script)

Wouldn't the world be a better place if these kind of videos were made tailored to the employee and without the corporate lingo? I've been considering this at length and feel sorry for the employee who's made to watch such editions. Wouldn't they love it if the presenter just told the truth? "The customer, usually a complete nut case, is important because we want them to spend their money with us - a pittance of which we will pay you, while we receive our faxes in the Bahamas?" or "Each customer is different but their money isn't!"

Unfortunatly this jobbing actor is too poor to make a stand- I took the money, smiled and ran!

An Evening to Remember

2006-05-24T21:26:00.001+01:00

Went to see DaVinci Code last night with my Bro and decided (mistakenly) to have a KFC beforehand. Personally I'd rather eat my own arm but as that was unavailable it was junk food central straight ahead.

The squinting and stereotypically greasy bloke behind the counter took 20mins to get to us and then 25min to assemble the order (which actually didn't taste too bad although the Colonel took his revenge this morning) and they call it Fast Food? Brings new meaning to the term you pay peanuts, you get monkeys! Although I'm sure I wasn't the only customer to want to give him a brain transplant there and then!

As for DaVinci Code, let's just say a Danielle Steel novel is a better read and a conversion thereof into a mini-series is more exciting than this film - although, Paul Bettany was excellent as Silas I still managed to have a kip. Twice.

Was Venus A Blonde?

2006-04-29T08:29:00.000+01:00

The previous post got me thinking - it's not just parts for men I attract but parts for the blonde goddesses amongst us (I'm extremely brunette and not sunkissed at all - there's no Scandinavian about me - apart from the Ikea furniture upon which I sit!)

Which beggars the question? Why do I get seen? The answer is....I've absolutely no bloody idea mate!

At string of recent auditions I've taken careful note of the ratio: brunette to blonde and found we're sadly not as frequent in the room containing the casting couch. Oh no... at the last one there were 2 of us brunettes to 12 blonde women. There can't be less of us per square mile than blondes can there? Or is it that the casting director uses me specifically as the token brunette? You know, the client really, in his heart of hearts, wants a blonde for his advert but in order to say that he has been given a good cross section, I'm invited along as the token brunette. Sophisticated, clever looking, all the brunette stereotypes fulfilled. And by the end of the casting, he knows he was right - blonde is definitely the way to go!

Or does it simply mean that the casting director or client can't make up their mind?

"Sorry that part was actually for a man..."

2006-04-29T08:04:00.000+01:00

So you get to the audition, hope in your heart, confidence in your eyes and pleading from your wallet! Meet the casting director, chit chat, try not to talk yourself out of the job before you've even read from the script. He/she seems to like you and after a brief pause (with a long pointed look) you hear the friendly words: "Could you also read this part for me?" Hurrah! A double chance at getting a job with this director/producer/company! You read and know you've nailed it, whereupon you shake hands and stride out confidently awaiting the recall phonecall from your agent (who you know will be really cheerful!)

It comes the following day and you feel great -it's a quick turnaround, back in Reg The Flying Punto and back on the motorway. In the casting suite you meet the trendy director and experienced producer, sweaty handshakes all round and pleasantaries exchanged, then it's down to business. "Ah, yes.... that part was actually for a man - sorry love."

Damn! I feel that's a stretch too far for me! Even with a budget for prosthetics and a chest wig!

Beware Of The Morning Make-Up Lady.

2006-04-05T10:57:00.000+01:00

Make-up ladies are a unique breed. There are several different types for you to spot: the 'too cool for the room' and aloof, the sincere relationship counsellor, the irrepressible chatty with a steam of constant early morning banter, the hungover (greenly sipping Berocca), the down-to-Earth/friendly type and the just plain brilliant!

The following is a personal encounter from a job I did:

I arrive at my designated tube station at 7.15am for pick up, having been up at 3.30am and left at 4am. Being 'hot-to-trot' at night, I must admit I'm not huge fan of the Après-Dark (morning) and although I'm wide awake; I look a little crumpled (who can be bothered to apply make up at such an ungodly hour?)

Fortunately, Man spotted the executive taxi hidden around the corner and I clambered in, excited about the scheduled days filming (the northerner in me dying to ask the driver "been busy then?") We were both whisked across London in the early morning rush hour (does it ever dissipate?) to the first location. The Production Assistant calls my phone with hope in his voice and is verbally relieved that I'm actually in London and not stuck on some foreign (northern) motorway frothing at the traffic.

We arrive on set and have the required complimentary tea as shooting is well underway. And so begin the introductions. There's the beautiful girl playing the other character in the scene - who has put make up on at an un-godly hour, the 2nd Assistant director - refreshingly not wearing a North Face jacket (extra points for him), the Production Manager - looking trendy and aloof and the Make-up Lady who, in due course, is introduced to me.

She strides over in fabulous boots, she shakes my hand and looks at my face carefully scanning the bags, the imperfections, the spot that always springs up on the day of a shoot and I sense an imperceptible tut forming. "I've seen the other girl, very pretty girl,” she says absently, "she won't need much work." Then realising how that might have sounded, she quickly reaches over to place a reassuring hand on my shoulder; "Not that I'm saying you do, you understand?" With that cleared up, she turned on her heel and walks back to the monitor.

And, once I'd picked my gob up off the floor, I discovered that she wasn't being a bitch. In fact we were remarkably similar - we'd both left things at home in our rush to make it to set on time that morning.

I'd left my make-up behind and she'd left the tact chip for her brain!

Let the train take the strain!

2006-04-03T22:36:00.000+01:00

In recent weeks the Government and ITV news have been educating us lesser mortals about saving the planet, using public transport etc - which I absolutely agree with. However the ideal of this appears to be out of reach to skint, jobbing actors such as myself as I discovered.

My conscience was pricked - I had to be green. With a casting in London the following afternoon, the train was the place to start and I got on the net. After locating a site that sold tickets I filled in all my details (the site struggled more than Jensen Button's engine at the recent Australian Grand Prix) and, to my disbelief it quoted me an astounding £156.00! After I stopped laughing I thought: "Right - I'll try the phone!" - use the personal touch. (Has anyone else discovered that if you call a train company three times you get three different prices?)

After fighting my way through the usual mind numbing switchboard of press one for operator, press two for operator with brain, press three for man in India who won't understand you, it was down to business. Which station are you traveling from? Tempted to reply "second star on the right and straight on till morning" I thought that,perhaps, my sense of humour might not be well received and I'd better play it straight. After a barrage of quick fire questions that Anne Diamond would be proud of (and no my Boots Advantage Card is not accepted as railcard) I was quoted more than the online price!

"Oh?" says I in my best management style voice (patronising), "Aren't there any cheaper tickets left? I'm not, after all (smile), traveling during peak time?" There's a lightly confused silence and then an equally management style voice (patronising - I couldn't blame her as I started it) said "Oh yes, but only if you book 14 working days in advance." She was not swayed by my argument of securing the audition 1 hour previous to this strained conversation, or that I was positive the casting director wouldn't wait two weeks for me to get to London. Even my carefully rehearsed lecture entitled: 'What I've learned from New Labour about greenhouse gases and global warming' did not soften her corporate resolve. I had to admit defeat.

With my dreams of being 'enviromentally responsible' in tatters, it was back to sandwiches and cigarettes in Reg the flying Punto, who incidentally has now done the equivalent millage of 4 times around the Earth. He faithfully took me to London in under 3 hours at a bargin price of £43.50 - £7.00 of which was spent using the M6 Toll road but don't get me started on that!

Embracing The Pigeon Hole.

2006-04-01T10:16:00.000+01:00

Ahh, the casting pigeon hole - just the sort of thing we're taught bravely to fight against at drama school. I was raised on a diet of playing mainly men and old ladies, which I embraced fully and enjoyed thoroughly. However did it fully prepare me for professional life?

For years I've struggled to find and then accept the pigeon hole I sit in and I suspect I'm not the only actor to do so. Years ago I was so upset with with the offers I was receiving (topless glamour and party girl piffle) that I cut all my hair off and dyed it red in a young attempt to be taken seriously in this show called Biz. Needless to say it was not the most successful of protests.

I've discovered that the older I get, the bigger and more fitting my pigeon hole becomes. In fact I've just decorated (with a little help from Ikea). My party girl has grown into bitch next door and topless glamour has morphed into sex kitten wearing comfortable shoes - of course growing my hair back made moving back in much easier.

Now, feeling finally settled in my own skin, I'm happy not to covert my neighbor's part. Recently I was asked to play Lorraine Chase to my audition partners Glenda Jackson (a bizarre coupling if ever there was one) and rather than being slightly miffed as I once would have been, I smiled to myself as I finally knew exactly what the casting director wanted from me. Even better than this, it was natural.

And so to summarise, until the acting world wakes up and realises that I too have undiscovered skills, I have a very comfortable Poång (catalogue page:114) to recline in!

"You Don't Live In London?????"

2006-03-31T10:34:00.000+01:00

No I don't live in London, it's true, bring on the handcuffs or the self flagellation! I confess it - I am an actor and I live in the North of England. Does this really have to mean that I am cursed to a life of self blame and denial?

A few days ago I landed an advert with, shall we say, a well known mobile technology company. Ecstatic to be working (cheerful agent now even more so) I consult my little black book for friends, acquaintances, people I knew a lifetime ago or even complete strangers with whom I drunkenly chatted once. All to find a space to lay my head whilst filming this epic. Unfortunately no corner of London was available to me (best friend playing the spiritual side of herself in Frankfurt and her excellent accommodation/food/wine closed for foreseeable future).

What was a northern girl to do? "Sod it!" I thought and with the bit firmly between my teeth and Reg the flying Punto firmly under my ass, I cried "I'll drive!" It takes about 3 hours to navigate my way past the salesman's X5 and Audi cars with jackets swinging on hooks in the rear. Not a bad drive really especially with my Man for company, tuning the radio and passing out sandwiches or cigarettes.

So a bustling morning (having left at 5 am) finds me bright eyed and bushy tailed in the city of actors trying on clothes for my role. At which point there's a blind panic at the production company when I'm asked to write my address and phone number on a random piece of paper. A wide eyed (but very sweet) Production Assistant consults, behind closed doors, a terribly trendy Production Manager who strides across the office with an incredulous gaze. He looks again at the paper containing my address as if maybe, just maybe he's read it wrong and in a voice that implies I've just served him pigs trotters on a bed of black pudding he says: "You don't live in London?????"

Erm....actually....no.... but I've read loads of books on the subject of acting and I've never found one yet which instructs the actor first and foremost to live in London. Surely talent, ability, technique etc is more important than location? Certainly with Reg the flying Punto and Man as my M6 support team - I'm never late for London!

Just how many chairs do you think you can emergency stop?

2006-03-30T17:49:00.001+01:00

So here I am, sitting somewhere in the North of England thinking to myself I just have to tell someone about this. Everyone, anyone, somebody or nobody? It really doesn't matter!

I spent four years training at drama school to do what I do, blood, sweat, tears and tea went into my degree - cheating, so sadly apparent in our universities if the discussion on 5 Live the other day was to be believed, was not an option for me!

Don't get me wrong - this blog is not a way to vent my angst at the world as to why I haven't been invited to collect my award at the BAFTAs yet, or even the TV Choice Favourite Soap Special Dinner. Quite simply life is funny!

How many of you can say that they went to a meeting today and were asked - in all seriousness - to emergency stop a perfectly ordinary chair?

This audition was my first in a while (I've changed my agent in the last few months and she's very cheerful). I proceeded up the stairs out of the rain, so glad that I'd spent time straightening my hair, and filled in the casting form: smiling all the time at the other candidates whilst trying both to look confident and smaller than my actual height (a difficult feat to master). Then there's the obligatory photo against the blandest wall in the room, which of course looks really bad. Why do casters still use Polaroids? Actors spend hundreds of pounds a year on quality pics only to dress up, go to a casting and be confronted with a blurred reproduction of how they look "at that moment". At this point I am usually bending my knees and normally blinking!

Well, after hanging around for an hour or so (castings always run late) it was my turn to win the caster and client over. I walk in the room, smiling, make eye contact - being direct only to be confronted with a plastic chair and a scenario on how to emergency stop it. I did not make it seem natural! I tried all the actor's process, the Stanislavski, even the Peter Brook but I just couldn't seem to make it serious enough - probably not helped by the giggles I was trying to suppress.

You see I might be £250.00 plus repeats poorer but no amount of money can buy the smile that stayed on my face for a whole day!