CRAZY CASTINGS PART 2

So once, a long while ago, at a casting far, far away, I was asked to strip to my underwear (which I was aware I would have to do) but then, in a church hall type place, I was asked to simulate/act an orgasm...

Yep! I was pretty shocked too. It was all above board and "arty film" type - serious subject about the sexuality of a woman in a wheelchair, but even so I was a little shocked at being so exposed and put on the spot.

Now let's be completely clear here, I'm not embarrassed by my body (ex showgirl), the older I get the more I feel I really should do some exercise soon but I still love being naked, I find it very liberating. However this was not one of those occasions. When the caster said smilingly: "Right it's that time now....?" and I undressed to my undies faster than a fireman and sat down on the chair.

Then I had to do the orgasm bit... it was fine but very hard to concentrate. The reason being that I had massive sock rings around my ankles and I couldn't help but wonder if they would pick up an the directors little camera! (Yes fellow Outsiders I was being taped "purely for the audition process")

I closed my eyes to block out the sock rings. But then another random thought hit me and I nearly burst out laughing. The venue was a church hall type, the seat was a standard 1970 moulded plastic (and cold, actually, if you must know) and I couldn't help but think that a W.I. lady had sat there before me discussing cakes, knitting and the AGM! Little kiddies had sat on that chair eating jelly and ice cream at Tarquin's 5th birthday bash! Father Christmas had sat in that particular chair to deliver his naughty and nice list to the generations of children that hall had held! And there was me, frankly building quickly towards hysteria, whilst, at the same time, feeling like I needed to take a long shower!

Did I get the job: No.
Would I have taken the job: No!

Nowadays I wouldn't even have taken the audition!

No Oscar This Time...

So it's been a while since I wrote and now I'm back with more rants and news more of that later!

But first, how was the film? It was great fun to do and fantastic to play a character over a few months, I met lots of lovely people and was well looked after by the company. Unfortunately though it sank without trace after the premier, which leads me to think that it was more for promotion internally than commercial success! And indeed it was. I thought this before I did it but hoped it might lead to something...

...still, like my Murphy's I'm not bitter! I learnt lots and my work has moved on leaps and bounds because of it. Still it made me remember that I LOVE my job!

And So To Work!

Tomorrow I start my first major role in the aforementioned film, a chance finally to prove my worth, to shine, to play an ongoing character just as I wished last year. Don't you love it when a plan comes together?

Tonight I head off to a hotel somewhere in the UK and meet the team I'm working with. Of course I'm taking Man with me as my script roadie and The Don (recently polished) to travel in style.

I'll keep you posted on progress and the characters involved!

Film Party

Good news 2007 - I've managed to score a part in a film. My story begins with the PR launch in London (if you can't beat 'em?)

I naturally glam up in a tasteful way and set forth from Cheshire with Man in our new car "The Don" (Reg The Flying Punto has now been retired to my Bro). Having parked beyond the congestion charge and with blisters on my feet we arrive in time to notice that there were almost more PR people than guests.

I think I did myself credit - spoke to everyone I needed to, didn't drink despite the free bar, networked and generally charmed everyone until I left at 9.30pm when I spotted the tell tale signs of the free bar becoming more important than the film.

However my favourite character amongst so many to choose from was the agent of one of my fellow actors. I am told that she "talked non stop on the phone in the taxi - business is so busy"on the way here as she flops down onto a seat that gives a little too easily and recovers with a hair toss and shiny smile. The attire she wore seemed to match the incredibly loud voice that rose in pitch and volume whenever it felt it wasn't being listened to. I did giggle to myself when she very seriously said "I suppose you recognise my client, everyone does, he used to be on (insert trashy program for yourself) you know." I took great comfort in the fact that she told me that she could see me playing a teacher on (above trashy program) as it sounded like the perfect job to aspire to - should I have a lobotomy any time soon.

My last memory of her was as I was leaving. She was buzzing around the room wearing a name badge that she'd written herself, clutching a half drunk glass of free wine that with every gesture was shared with the clothing of the people politely milling around her. Her arm appeared to be a conveyer belt of one bite burgers and mini cheese tartlets. "I haven't eaten since lunch - too busy" she masticated as her waistband groaned. She waved bye-bye to me like I was to be bridesmaid at her up-coming nuptials ("don't know when but I am definitely getting married this summer" - had she told her boyfriend yet?)

As I walked out the door Man read my mind "Thank god for your Cheerful Agent eh?" Ab-so-bloody-lutely!

Just how many chairs do you think you can emergency stop?

So here I am, sitting somewhere in the North of England thinking to myself I just have to tell someone about this. Everyone, anyone, somebody or nobody? It really doesn't matter!

I spent four years training at drama school to do what I do, blood, sweat, tears and tea went into my degree - cheating, so sadly apparent in our universities if the discussion on 5 Live the other day was to be believed, was not an option for me!

Don't get me wrong - this blog is not a way to vent my angst at the world as to why I haven't been invited to collect my award at the BAFTAs yet, or even the TV Choice Favourite Soap Special Dinner. Quite simply life is funny!

How many of you can say that they went to a meeting today and were asked - in all seriousness - to emergency stop a perfectly ordinary chair?

This audition was my first in a while (I've changed my agent in the last few months and she's very cheerful). I proceeded up the stairs out of the rain, so glad that I'd spent time straightening my hair, and filled in the casting form: smiling all the time at the other candidates whilst trying both to look confident and smaller than my actual height (a difficult feat to master). Then there's the obligatory photo against the blandest wall in the room, which of course looks really bad. Why do casters still use Polaroids? Actors spend hundreds of pounds a year on quality pics only to dress up, go to a casting and be confronted with a blurred reproduction of how they look "at that moment". At this point I am usually bending my knees and normally blinking!

Well, after hanging around for an hour or so (castings always run late) it was my turn to win the caster and client over. I walk in the room, smiling, make eye contact - being direct only to be confronted with a plastic chair and a scenario on how to emergency stop it. I did not make it seem natural! I tried all the actor's process, the Stanislavski, even the Peter Brook but I just couldn't seem to make it serious enough - probably not helped by the giggles I was trying to suppress.

You see I might be £250.00 plus repeats poorer but no amount of money can buy the smile that stayed on my face for a whole day!