Dilemma Of A Skint Actress!

So I did an audition in Manchester today, pretending to drive a car whilst singing along to a famous Beach Boys song. At first I tried hard to avoid miming driving - there's nothing worse is there? I thought better to do nothing than mime badly - the advert will be driving a real car so why embarrass myself? All went well but apparently I didn't look like I was driving, according to the flu ridden, yet lovely casting director. I did it again WITH the hilarious driving actions then quickly buggered off for a cool, crisp glass of Chablis in the sun with Man.

All in all pretty unremarkable...

...until tonight when I got a message on my phone asking someone called Nina to go to London tomorrow for a recall? So my dilemma is, do I:

a) Pretend to be someone called Nina and hot foot it down to London tomorrow?
b) Call the casting flunky and inform her of her rather insulting mistake?
C) Call The Cheerful Agent early and get her to sort it out?

On another note I find this a further example of a casting agency calling late, after 9pm for a casting involving a 300 mile round trip the following morning, with the wrong information and not offering a recall fee. So I would be massively out of pocket even if I was available to go!

Option C I think! It's a job for The Cheerful Agent...hope she's cheerful at 7 o'clock in the morning????

Definition Of The Lesser Spotted Luvvie.

...I'd rather rip my own arm off and hit myself with the soggy end than spend any time at all with that peculiar breed of act-tor called the Luvvie.

Luvvies are the type of actors that talk loudly, even at funerals, in a booming voice and wait for people's heads to turn. They constantly prattle on about roles that they've done and clang continuously about famous celebrities that they've worked with, calling them by shortened, irritating pet names like "Larry"or "Ed" or "Tula." They have an annoying habit of, when finding out they are talking to another actor/tress, immediately asking: "So what are you working on now then?" in a condescending manner and then they intensely pretend to listen to your answer. They have a propensity to stand as if posing for a Spotlight portrait. They use words like fabulous, super, fellow thespians and darling (with a drawn out rrrrrr). The males, more often than not have facial hair, have played Prospero or Lear (without any great depth of character probing) and like to drink Marks & Spencer Port "for the voice you know!"

The female of the Luvvie is usually adorned with some sort of shawl and floppy hat. She likes to hug people and air kiss them as many as 3 times whilst saying: "So good to see you again, so lovely to be back." This lets you instantly know that you are on her turf, she will smile patronisingly whilst offering to show you round and be your mentor, she means it kindly but also enjoys that level of control. She's a huge fan of the enviroment and herbal tea and will probably try to convert you. She will definitely mention "drinkies" after rehearsals but be aware that she may exclude the ordinary actress, such as myself, in favour of someone of comparable lovvieness. Do not be offended at this, you're much better off, they are easily affected by alcohol and then really revert to Luvvie type!

Do post if you spot one as they can be (wishful thinking) quite rare these days.

WHAT A LOAD OF RUBBISH!

So Roger Moore thinks that you now need a regional accent to make it in this industry? Purely as his daughter has been turned down for work because she talks proper unlike what I does! This is absolute rubbish....

R.P. (The posh way of actors talking the Queen's English with no trace of accent) is something that all actors have to learn and should be able to turn on and off like a tap. However a regional accent is entirely different and certainly has never helped or hindered me to get a job. I understand that this will probably be the case with voice over work (Channel 4 loves the Geordie accent above all else), regional accents are important - especially if they are native. On my CV I have a broad selection of accents and yes I've worked.

But my point is this: this industry works on who you know and that's the only way you get jobs. TRUTH! So it seems to me that if she can't get work, even with her Dad being Roger Moore (and his numerous connections and wad of cash) then it's got to be more to do with her acting or knowledge than her lack of regional accent. And if she truly believes that is then case the stop being so lazy and learn some!

Simple don't you think!

(PS: Also Roger's made his career from his posh RP accent so he shouldn't mind if the pendulum is swinging slightly the other way should he?)

I'M SENSING A PATTERN HERE!

So I'm doing this theatre festival, which is great fun of course. My character is a woman with, shall we say, manly characteristics....

I'm sensing a pattern here, it's not the first time. Now, I'm a tall actress, that's for sure but does that mean I'm forever destined to play women playing men, lesbians or actual men? It's definitely a skill I can do but sometimes I do long for the girly, the cute, the feminine, the sexy. You know the type of part where I get to wear sexy clothes and cross my legs when I sit down!

Maybe I'll grow into it one day!

For those of you who know me I have a confession... I lie on my CV and tell directors that I'm 5'9", I think I'm more like 5'11" but what's a couple of inches between friends. Speaking of which I actually have two friends, Ruth & Steph, who are a very similar height to me so why doesn't this acting business reflect that women are taller nowadays and stop asking me to play men? It's a legitimate question don't you think?

Anyway back to thinking with my penis and sitting with my legs astride!

Not A Thigh Slap In Sight

So I'm going to be in a play! Yep this TV actress is going to dare to perform live and not in some panto in the wilds of Cumbria...


It's very exciting actually, a physical piece, demanding, exhausting and (although I'm only 2 rehearsals in) I find I'm laughing more than I have for ages.


I'd forgotten what it was like to bond with a company of actors. "One doesn't do that in La Television, darrrling, one is an island!" It's going to be good I can feel it in my water.

The play is a new piece by Ian Moore (hereafter known as The Boss) called The Inconsistent Whisper Of Insanity.  As this is an anonymous blog that's more information than I should have told you, I feel slightly sweaty now! What the hell we need bums on seats!

Anyway...my character is a tall, Russian woman. Nice? That sounds glamourous doesn't it? WRONG!

Firstly think Soviet Union not Russia. Are you loosing sight of those beautiful blonde girls that marry English men yet? Now imagine a concrete tower block and lots of potato soup! See those pretty girls are a distance away now aren't they?

My character, let's call her Svetlana, is more your shotputter than your table dancer. She' (in my head) is quite large and slightly obnoxious! Sounds good so far right?

Where did I put those steroids??????

No Oscar This Time...

So it's been a while since I wrote and now I'm back with more rants and news more of that later!

But first, how was the film? It was great fun to do and fantastic to play a character over a few months, I met lots of lovely people and was well looked after by the company. Unfortunately though it sank without trace after the premier, which leads me to think that it was more for promotion internally than commercial success! And indeed it was. I thought this before I did it but hoped it might lead to something...

...still, like my Murphy's I'm not bitter! I learnt lots and my work has moved on leaps and bounds because of it. Still it made me remember that I LOVE my job!

Just how many chairs do you think you can emergency stop?

So here I am, sitting somewhere in the North of England thinking to myself I just have to tell someone about this. Everyone, anyone, somebody or nobody? It really doesn't matter!

I spent four years training at drama school to do what I do, blood, sweat, tears and tea went into my degree - cheating, so sadly apparent in our universities if the discussion on 5 Live the other day was to be believed, was not an option for me!

Don't get me wrong - this blog is not a way to vent my angst at the world as to why I haven't been invited to collect my award at the BAFTAs yet, or even the TV Choice Favourite Soap Special Dinner. Quite simply life is funny!

How many of you can say that they went to a meeting today and were asked - in all seriousness - to emergency stop a perfectly ordinary chair?

This audition was my first in a while (I've changed my agent in the last few months and she's very cheerful). I proceeded up the stairs out of the rain, so glad that I'd spent time straightening my hair, and filled in the casting form: smiling all the time at the other candidates whilst trying both to look confident and smaller than my actual height (a difficult feat to master). Then there's the obligatory photo against the blandest wall in the room, which of course looks really bad. Why do casters still use Polaroids? Actors spend hundreds of pounds a year on quality pics only to dress up, go to a casting and be confronted with a blurred reproduction of how they look "at that moment". At this point I am usually bending my knees and normally blinking!

Well, after hanging around for an hour or so (castings always run late) it was my turn to win the caster and client over. I walk in the room, smiling, make eye contact - being direct only to be confronted with a plastic chair and a scenario on how to emergency stop it. I did not make it seem natural! I tried all the actor's process, the Stanislavski, even the Peter Brook but I just couldn't seem to make it serious enough - probably not helped by the giggles I was trying to suppress.

You see I might be £250.00 plus repeats poorer but no amount of money can buy the smile that stayed on my face for a whole day!