Adverts lead to champagne!

Recently I had the good fortune to do an ad with a very charming celebrity. It was also a well written advert - so take back nearly all I've said about think tank advertising executives! The aforementioned charming celebrity was a thoroughly nice bloke and invited myself and man to a show he was doing.

So off we went to the local venue in question where I was pleased to discover 2 tickets to the sold out evening of entertainment. The show was great, we chortled in our seats, made all the more fun because I was a guest of the bloke on stage. Afterwards we headed backstage and met up with said charming celebrity who offered us a beer and a chat! A footballer friend of his also came backstage and we ended up being invited to a party. In for a penny - in for a pound - I looked over at Man and thought "why not?"

So a short time later we ended up in a millionaire's house playing pool and drinking champagne till the early hours of the morn. It was a beautiful place - obligatory pool/gym/sauna (that nobody uses) and a game room complete with light up dance floor and a bar bigger than my local! Sometimes I really love my life... I might have no money, no profile and occasionally no pride but you couldn't organise a night like that if you tried! Happy days chuckle!

No Oscar This Time...

So it's been a while since I wrote and now I'm back with more rants and news more of that later!

But first, how was the film? It was great fun to do and fantastic to play a character over a few months, I met lots of lovely people and was well looked after by the company. Unfortunately though it sank without trace after the premier, which leads me to think that it was more for promotion internally than commercial success! And indeed it was. I thought this before I did it but hoped it might lead to something...

...still, like my Murphy's I'm not bitter! I learnt lots and my work has moved on leaps and bounds because of it. Still it made me remember that I LOVE my job!

And So To Work!

Tomorrow I start my first major role in the aforementioned film, a chance finally to prove my worth, to shine, to play an ongoing character just as I wished last year. Don't you love it when a plan comes together?

Tonight I head off to a hotel somewhere in the UK and meet the team I'm working with. Of course I'm taking Man with me as my script roadie and The Don (recently polished) to travel in style.

I'll keep you posted on progress and the characters involved!

What Would Bill Say?

As the late, great Bill Hicks advised the clones of advertising "By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising...kill yourself. Thank you. Just planting seeds, planting seeds is all I'm doing. No joke here, really. Seriously, kill yourself, you have no rationalisation for what you do, you are Satan's little helpers. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now." Well it seems to me he had a point.

There are the good ads, the bad ads and the ads so terribly annoying that they make you want to throw your own arm at the TV. And I should know - I think I've appeared in most of them. Obviously I can't name any of the aforementioned great works of advertising- otherwise it says who I am - duh!

However, let us explore the creative forces behind such epics as "mastication for the nation" or "feel like a lift" or "debts getting you down". How does that work? A room full of bright (so called) intelligent people sat around a table, paid an obscene amount of dosh to come up with a brilliant marketing idea. Sounds simple enough doesn't it? So how do they get away with producing what can only be described as "brain farts"? ("...Kill yourself now...")

As for my own contribution, I must admit the thought has crossed my mind when, at silly o'clock in the morning I'm confronted with a thinktank type creative consultant explaining the rehash of a previous idea to me. And again when trying doggedly to prove to the ad company that the TVRs they've paid me for don't match the times it's been on the telly. However, killing myself would not change the system and thou I hate to admit it I have needed the money to feed my family.

I guess the only honest way to reconcile myself is to conveniently forget some (not all) of the companies I've worked for and develop a conscience once I'm at the top! Apologies to all of you that have been annoyed by my dulcet tones selling you stuff you don't need but as you don't know which adverts I've been in, maybe I'll get away with it?...

I think Bill was clever enough to understand.

The Curse Of Daytime TV

Before filming starts on this latest project I have a few days to sit, enjoy the spring weather and pour over the reams of dialogue to learn. Naturally this takes up a short amount of daytime hours - so what to do for the rest?

Switch on the TV of course - bound to be someone I know on there? After a couple of weeks flicking through the freeview channels I have to say I'm ready to explode with new program suggestions. How about a new cooking show where you actually use your own body parts to create a pretentiously classic dish with a modern twist - such as the recent puke making delight I saw: Duck in Hoi-sin sauce Shepherds Pie? Or how about a couple with too much money sell their over stuffed house in the city and move lock stock and two tasteless barrels to the countryside, whereupon they cut down all the Forrest and drain the lake to create a quadbike track for Tarquin? Not forgetting, of course, the truthful and gritty beautiful people shows that frequent our TV's full of issues to attract us - issues that just happen to feature the scantily clad model type schoolgirls. And don't get me started on the chat shows...

Oh how I love to shout at daytime TV...anyway, back to my script.

Yes I'm back....

So where have I been? Travelling, building and generally enjoying life far too much - however, I'm back baby and bigger than ever! (actually smaller because I'm thinner than i was - building is far cheaper than the gym!)

So sit back, enjoy the blog whilst I invite you to join me in the crazy world of the jobbing actress.

Film Party

Good news 2007 - I've managed to score a part in a film. My story begins with the PR launch in London (if you can't beat 'em?)

I naturally glam up in a tasteful way and set forth from Cheshire with Man in our new car "The Don" (Reg The Flying Punto has now been retired to my Bro). Having parked beyond the congestion charge and with blisters on my feet we arrive in time to notice that there were almost more PR people than guests.

I think I did myself credit - spoke to everyone I needed to, didn't drink despite the free bar, networked and generally charmed everyone until I left at 9.30pm when I spotted the tell tale signs of the free bar becoming more important than the film.

However my favourite character amongst so many to choose from was the agent of one of my fellow actors. I am told that she "talked non stop on the phone in the taxi - business is so busy"on the way here as she flops down onto a seat that gives a little too easily and recovers with a hair toss and shiny smile. The attire she wore seemed to match the incredibly loud voice that rose in pitch and volume whenever it felt it wasn't being listened to. I did giggle to myself when she very seriously said "I suppose you recognise my client, everyone does, he used to be on (insert trashy program for yourself) you know." I took great comfort in the fact that she told me that she could see me playing a teacher on (above trashy program) as it sounded like the perfect job to aspire to - should I have a lobotomy any time soon.

My last memory of her was as I was leaving. She was buzzing around the room wearing a name badge that she'd written herself, clutching a half drunk glass of free wine that with every gesture was shared with the clothing of the people politely milling around her. Her arm appeared to be a conveyer belt of one bite burgers and mini cheese tartlets. "I haven't eaten since lunch - too busy" she masticated as her waistband groaned. She waved bye-bye to me like I was to be bridesmaid at her up-coming nuptials ("don't know when but I am definitely getting married this summer" - had she told her boyfriend yet?)

As I walked out the door Man read my mind "Thank god for your Cheerful Agent eh?" Ab-so-bloody-lutely!

Celebrity Gone Crazy

What is all this bullshit about? Why are the media so insistent on repeatedly telling us of the movements (bowel and otherwise) of so-called celebrities? And I use this term loosely. It seems that you only have to sneeze on some reality crap on TV to be called a Celeb these days - and here's my bag:

I DONT CARE!

I don't care who's lost weight/smoking whilst pregnant/broke up with Brad/took their top off/had a meltdown - I don't. I DONT CARE whether TomKat had painkillers or not whilst giving birth. Surely there are others who don't too? I can't be the only voice? Shouldn't we require to have more to base our adulation on from people we look up to, more than having slept with a footballer or posed naked on a car bonnet or married a squillionaire movie star?

Isn't it disgusting that this is now what we are teaching our children? How about we teach them to aspire to winning a gold medal or sailing single-handedly around the world or composing a piece of music that speaks to a million people? To make their own way in life and stand or fall by the decisions we make along the way.....

....ok, rant over...time to switch off the TV and go and do something less boring instead!

Corporate Boredom.

So you need the cash? Naturally - jobbing actors usually do. Along comes the Corporate video. Hey-ho....

Booked, directions in hand I set off in Reg TFP having glanced at the script (Autocue included in the package). When I arrived I met an old hat at the studio, who told me that this particular company were difficult to get the money out of. Great news at 7.30am before breakfast. A long day ensued finishing with voice over in a different studio.

However, my point is this: do our significant corporations really believe that this kind of script and approach towards customer services really works? You know the type: smiling presenter, bigging up the company whilst making the unfortunate employee absorb phrases such as: "The customer is the most important person and you must identify with them on an individual basis" (Paraphrased - actually said in 44 pages of script)

Wouldn't the world be a better place if these kind of videos were made tailored to the employee and without the corporate lingo? I've been considering this at length and feel sorry for the employee who's made to watch such editions. Wouldn't they love it if the presenter just told the truth? "The customer, usually a complete nut case, is important because we want them to spend their money with us - a pittance of which we will pay you, while we receive our faxes in the Bahamas?" or "Each customer is different but their money isn't!"

Unfortunatly this jobbing actor is too poor to make a stand- I took the money, smiled and ran!

An Evening to Remember

Went to see DaVinci Code last night with my Bro and decided (mistakenly) to have a KFC beforehand. Personally I'd rather eat my own arm but as that was unavailable it was junk food central straight ahead.

The squinting and stereotypically greasy bloke behind the counter took 20mins to get to us and then 25min to assemble the order (which actually didn't taste too bad although the Colonel took his revenge this morning) and they call it Fast Food? Brings new meaning to the term you pay peanuts, you get monkeys! Although I'm sure I wasn't the only customer to want to give him a brain transplant there and then!

As for DaVinci Code, let's just say a Danielle Steel novel is a better read and a conversion thereof into a mini-series is more exciting than this film - although, Paul Bettany was excellent as Silas I still managed to have a kip. Twice.