Definition Of The Lesser Spotted Luvvie.

...I'd rather rip my own arm off and hit myself with the soggy end than spend any time at all with that peculiar breed of act-tor called the Luvvie.

Luvvies are the type of actors that talk loudly, even at funerals, in a booming voice and wait for people's heads to turn. They constantly prattle on about roles that they've done and clang continuously about famous celebrities that they've worked with, calling them by shortened, irritating pet names like "Larry"or "Ed" or "Tula." They have an annoying habit of, when finding out they are talking to another actor/tress, immediately asking: "So what are you working on now then?" in a condescending manner and then they intensely pretend to listen to your answer. They have a propensity to stand as if posing for a Spotlight portrait. They use words like fabulous, super, fellow thespians and darling (with a drawn out rrrrrr). The males, more often than not have facial hair, have played Prospero or Lear (without any great depth of character probing) and like to drink Marks & Spencer Port "for the voice you know!"

The female of the Luvvie is usually adorned with some sort of shawl and floppy hat. She likes to hug people and air kiss them as many as 3 times whilst saying: "So good to see you again, so lovely to be back." This lets you instantly know that you are on her turf, she will smile patronisingly whilst offering to show you round and be your mentor, she means it kindly but also enjoys that level of control. She's a huge fan of the enviroment and herbal tea and will probably try to convert you. She will definitely mention "drinkies" after rehearsals but be aware that she may exclude the ordinary actress, such as myself, in favour of someone of comparable lovvieness. Do not be offended at this, you're much better off, they are easily affected by alcohol and then really revert to Luvvie type!

Do post if you spot one as they can be (wishful thinking) quite rare these days.

CRAZY CASTINGS PART 2

So once, a long while ago, at a casting far, far away, I was asked to strip to my underwear (which I was aware I would have to do) but then, in a church hall type place, I was asked to simulate/act an orgasm...

Yep! I was pretty shocked too. It was all above board and "arty film" type - serious subject about the sexuality of a woman in a wheelchair, but even so I was a little shocked at being so exposed and put on the spot.

Now let's be completely clear here, I'm not embarrassed by my body (ex showgirl), the older I get the more I feel I really should do some exercise soon but I still love being naked, I find it very liberating. However this was not one of those occasions. When the caster said smilingly: "Right it's that time now....?" and I undressed to my undies faster than a fireman and sat down on the chair.

Then I had to do the orgasm bit... it was fine but very hard to concentrate. The reason being that I had massive sock rings around my ankles and I couldn't help but wonder if they would pick up an the directors little camera! (Yes fellow Outsiders I was being taped "purely for the audition process")

I closed my eyes to block out the sock rings. But then another random thought hit me and I nearly burst out laughing. The venue was a church hall type, the seat was a standard 1970 moulded plastic (and cold, actually, if you must know) and I couldn't help but think that a W.I. lady had sat there before me discussing cakes, knitting and the AGM! Little kiddies had sat on that chair eating jelly and ice cream at Tarquin's 5th birthday bash! Father Christmas had sat in that particular chair to deliver his naughty and nice list to the generations of children that hall had held! And there was me, frankly building quickly towards hysteria, whilst, at the same time, feeling like I needed to take a long shower!

Did I get the job: No.
Would I have taken the job: No!

Nowadays I wouldn't even have taken the audition!

WHAT A LOAD OF RUBBISH!

So Roger Moore thinks that you now need a regional accent to make it in this industry? Purely as his daughter has been turned down for work because she talks proper unlike what I does! This is absolute rubbish....

R.P. (The posh way of actors talking the Queen's English with no trace of accent) is something that all actors have to learn and should be able to turn on and off like a tap. However a regional accent is entirely different and certainly has never helped or hindered me to get a job. I understand that this will probably be the case with voice over work (Channel 4 loves the Geordie accent above all else), regional accents are important - especially if they are native. On my CV I have a broad selection of accents and yes I've worked.

But my point is this: this industry works on who you know and that's the only way you get jobs. TRUTH! So it seems to me that if she can't get work, even with her Dad being Roger Moore (and his numerous connections and wad of cash) then it's got to be more to do with her acting or knowledge than her lack of regional accent. And if she truly believes that is then case the stop being so lazy and learn some!

Simple don't you think!

(PS: Also Roger's made his career from his posh RP accent so he shouldn't mind if the pendulum is swinging slightly the other way should he?)

Tall Tales Of Distinction Part One

Speaking of tall birds....

This figurehead must be one of my favourites, a shining example to me of how to play on being tall (and for your information she's actually taller than me (if you believe the height on my CV)! Allison Janney is a huge source of hope for this beanpole amongst the acting industry. She's not only a terrific actress (The West Wing, The Hours, Juno etc) but she's bloody funny in real life as well!

Her quote that made me laugh the most was:

"An agent said to me he didn't know what to do with me, I wouldn't be able to play any parts but lesbians and aliens."

Bet he's kicking himself now huh? As this Emmy award winning actress strides away, laughing all the way to the bank and the Oscars!!!!

So when I finally grow into my face and some caster/director/producer remembers that some people in this world are over 5'6'' and begin to reflect that in their casting I should be quids in...

Lets hope it's sooner rather than later!

I'M SENSING A PATTERN HERE!

So I'm doing this theatre festival, which is great fun of course. My character is a woman with, shall we say, manly characteristics....

I'm sensing a pattern here, it's not the first time. Now, I'm a tall actress, that's for sure but does that mean I'm forever destined to play women playing men, lesbians or actual men? It's definitely a skill I can do but sometimes I do long for the girly, the cute, the feminine, the sexy. You know the type of part where I get to wear sexy clothes and cross my legs when I sit down!

Maybe I'll grow into it one day!

For those of you who know me I have a confession... I lie on my CV and tell directors that I'm 5'9", I think I'm more like 5'11" but what's a couple of inches between friends. Speaking of which I actually have two friends, Ruth & Steph, who are a very similar height to me so why doesn't this acting business reflect that women are taller nowadays and stop asking me to play men? It's a legitimate question don't you think?

Anyway back to thinking with my penis and sitting with my legs astride!

Just how far away is the damn poverty line?

Apparently I'm supposed to earn £115.00 a week as a single adult with no children - this would put me directly on the poverty line......

I wish I earnt that much!!!!! I do have my other job, you know the one where I chat to customers and pour pints like all good actors do from time to time but that's minimum wage and not many hours a week. even if you average out my income and factor in my acting work I'm still way below the official poverty line.

How do I do it? How do I survive? Ahhhhh yes... a truly great Man and my lovely Mum. They are the reason that I don't starve and I don't sleep in a cardboard box...that's right. That and the fact that I don't buy anything EVER. Not even a happy meal - (do you really get happy when you eat one? If Ronald McDonald looked at me in that tone of voice I'm pretty sure I'd want to rip his ears off?)

New actors take note: it's tough up north but I think I'd be even further away from the poverty line if I lived in London.

Surely I'll hit that elusive poverty line soon? Maybe if I'm a good girl, I can save up and buy a ladder?

WHISPERING DOES NOT A GREAT ACTOR MAKE!

So I loved the Twilght books so much that I read the saga four times last year. But these films.....

With the release of Eclipse - the third film (which to be fair I haven't seen and probably won't) reminds me to discuss the dire acting, drippy scripts and generally awful casting!

This story is a great story full of passion and strength and it makes me mad to see these young actors (exception Taylor Lautner) talking breathily in the direction that great acting means dropping your voice and whispering to each other! It's about as passionate as a rice pudding. They seriously have as much talent as the man who chops wood on Britian's Got Talent. Despite the obscene amount of money spent on these films: sets, costume, special effects: they are such a disappointment and I can't believe the numbers of young girls that camped out for 4 days to stand outside the premier of Eclipse in USA. What's that all about?

If you watch the films you'll see what I mean.

That is if you can keep your eyes open long enough!

ERRRRRMMMM....

Okay so we won, yeah......

Take back all I said, perhaps we can win the next match please Mr. Rooney, Mr. Lampard, Mr Gerrard? Although man of the match was definitely Milner. Anyone else notice the influence of Mr. Beckham in that?????

And May I just add...

...that I'd much rather be in rehearsals working hard and having fun than watching a bunch of overpaid, under-mannered, wimpy, diving, cheating, desperate, un-inspiring, spitting, bad role-models get knocked out of the World cup.

Just thought I'd mention it...

Not A Thigh Slap In Sight

So I'm going to be in a play! Yep this TV actress is going to dare to perform live and not in some panto in the wilds of Cumbria...


It's very exciting actually, a physical piece, demanding, exhausting and (although I'm only 2 rehearsals in) I find I'm laughing more than I have for ages.


I'd forgotten what it was like to bond with a company of actors. "One doesn't do that in La Television, darrrling, one is an island!" It's going to be good I can feel it in my water.

The play is a new piece by Ian Moore (hereafter known as The Boss) called The Inconsistent Whisper Of Insanity.  As this is an anonymous blog that's more information than I should have told you, I feel slightly sweaty now! What the hell we need bums on seats!

Anyway...my character is a tall, Russian woman. Nice? That sounds glamourous doesn't it? WRONG!

Firstly think Soviet Union not Russia. Are you loosing sight of those beautiful blonde girls that marry English men yet? Now imagine a concrete tower block and lots of potato soup! See those pretty girls are a distance away now aren't they?

My character, let's call her Svetlana, is more your shotputter than your table dancer. She' (in my head) is quite large and slightly obnoxious! Sounds good so far right?

Where did I put those steroids??????